This is What a Passive Husband Looks Like

A passive husband doesn't look weak; he actually looks like this... 

Transcript

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Welcome back to the High Level Wife Podcast. I am Chelsea Holm, your host, and we do Marriage Godsway here. And I had a real blow-up this last week. And it was about uh a passive husband and what he doesn't look like. He doesn't look weak. Instead, he looks like this. And honestly, looking back, like I used a video of my husband on there talking to my son, and I realized I think maybe there was a hint of it going viral because it was people maybe assumed that I was saying my husband was weak, but I because I I did a wife version of this, uh, but I realized I didn't have it as he looks like the or she looks like this, right? With me in the video, it was it was something else a little different. What it was um they look like this. And so just that small shift. I think that you know, people were thinking that I was saying my husband looks like this, but I thought that this was really important to talk about today because clearly, whether it was just because I was saying that this is what he looks like, because obviously my husband does not look like a weak passive husband. Um, but what does it, right? Like, what does a passive husband actually look like? Um, and I have on my social media, I have mostly women who follow me, but I do have a big percentage of men that also follow me as well, of husbands that follow me. And I know husbands listen to this podcast as well. Obviously, not as many as wives listen to this podcast. But I just wanted to read through, if you don't follow me on Instagram, I just wanted to read through what a passive husband actually looks like, right? It's he doesn't lead, he goes with the flow. Whatever you want, you decide. It doesn't matter to me. Um, and I wanted to share for each of these kind of how it plays into what a wife is doing or not doing. And so when a husband isn't leading, which is is the biggest struggle that wives bring to me, is like, I want my husband to lead, but he's not leading. Well, they don't realize that they they've been playing into that as well, and also responding to that as well, right? Like it's a both and it's not an either or. And so when you have a husband who's saying whatever you want, you decide it doesn't matter to me, a woman who is already exhausted from making decisions will continue to make decisions, or because she is overfunctioning in decision making, um, she will continue to do that as a safety mechanism, as a self-protection mechanism, because what she can control, then she can control the outcomes, right? In her mind. And so you can have any version or aspect of that, but when he's not leading or he goes with the flow, it puts more weight and burden on the wife. Whereas I'm sure you've seen this before, where it's like, how would you feel if your husband said, I got a babysitter, I'm taking you out. Also, I put a new dress out on the bed for you, or an outfit, or whatever, and like just be ready at this time. I would be like, I don't need to put on that dress, take me now, let's go. Like, right? Like when you are a wife who has made all the decisions, it's exhausting to make more decisions. And so it can it can just put more weight, but it it's both playing back and forth. All right, so the second one, he doesn't dis disengage, he stays quiet. So it looks like he's avoiding conflict, keeping the peace, but nothing actually gets resolved, right? It's the husband who is not emotionally immature enough to be able to speak his frustrations in a way that is loving and for the benefit of the marriage, right? It's it's the husband who walks away because he has not yet disrupted hurtful generational patterns and cycles, right? And so it's not that he necessarily disengages, it's just that he stays quiet. And so what does a wife do? Well, she will either get louder, demand conflict, or completely be unruly and out of control in a lot of this, right? And so nothing is going to get resolved if this is a dynamic. The next one, he doesn't resist, he defers. You take the lead and he lets you, right? A passive man actually looks like deferring to his wife rather than a wife deferring to her husband. Um, in in our marriage, there are roles and responsibilities that I have, and this is true for you in your marriage as well. I stay home full-time, so I am the manager and the steward of this household, right? So I primarily run the schedule. Um, I run the menu plan, I run the grocery shopping, I run the budget and how we spend money specifically for shopping and food and whatever, right? Like that is my primary, but I do that under the authority and under the headship of my husband. So I don't defer to him of what should we have for dinner, right? I mean, there are times where I do that where I am tired of deciding what's for dinner, and a better way to do that would be, and I've done this in the past, is what are every single person going around, every single person, what's your favorite meal, including my husband, and then putting those into the rotation and not deviating from that, right? Um, and so, so this can be exhausting for the wife if she is taking the lead out of self-protection, right? Like if I don't do it, nobody else will. That's exhausting for her, a burden she can't carry, it will crush her. And also, a husband who is deferring to his wife is probably gonna do so in resentment or out of fear. Either fear that he doesn't know how to lead, or that he can be trusted, or resentment that he's not being trusted and he's not being allowed to lead, right? So neither one are beneficial to a marriage God's way. The next one, he doesn't step up, he stays comfortable. Work, phone, routine, no vision, no direction, right? Like you get the image of the old sitcom of the man is gone at work all day, his wife packs his lunch, he comes home, he, you know, she immediately hands him a beer and he sits in front of the TV and checks out for the rest of the night and doesn't interact with anyone. They go to bed, he's like, we're having sex now, and she just does it, right? Like this is a perfect picture of him not stepping up. Now, heart posture behind all of this is very, very important because she could be serving him. But a true leader of a home, a man who is not passive, right? A man that is intentional, sets the tone, sets the standard for his marriage. He also uh picks and picks the core values that drive the family in the direction. He sets the mission and the vision for where everyone is going in the same direction. And he starts with leading himself before he leads anyone else, right? Now, a wife following that kind of husband is going to be able to flourish and thrive within that kind of environment. Now, you don't have to wait for your husband to do those things. You can, with the right heart posture, discipline and lead yourself to create the space of that surrender to the Holy Spirit so that he can step into that leadership. The next one, he doesn't fight, he withdraws, shuts down, pulls back, checks out. Well, I already kind of talked about that with the um, he doesn't disengage, he stays quiet. So we don't have to, we don't have to go back into that. So much of that is really about maturity, emotional maturity or immaturity, right? You just haven't learned how to communicate effectively and through the lens of being led by the Holy Spirit, right? You're still living in your flesh, you're still living in old patterns, you're still, you're still moving in an emotionally immature way, right? Like you are like the wave that is tossed to and fro by the wind where your feelings have become your authority and you are in submission to them. Now, this can be true for a husband and wife, but specifically we're talking about husbands in that. The sixth one, he doesn't challenge you, he agrees, even when something's off, right? We have that saying, happy wife, happy life. No, no, we're we're missing the point and coming from the wrong angle in this, right? Marriage is for our holiness, not for our happiness, but happiness absolutely, and blessing and richness and delight is on the back end of doing marriage God's way. Absolutely, but there is a way to challenge, to bring concerns in a way that is walking in the spirit, but it starts with being rooted and grounded in the love of Christ, and it moves through praying in the spirit, walking in the spirit, right? It doesn't come from our flesh or our demands. Love does not demand its own way, right? So a husband who is passive is not gonna challenge you when something is off. A husband who is leading the way that God has designed him to function as the authority, as the head over his wife, just as Christ is the head and over his bride, the church, right? In a sacrificial love, that doesn't mean that he just bows down and bows out. That means he corrects, right? He brings that correction, and a wife who is surrendered to the Holy Spirit will receive that correction with gladness. I am so thankful when my husband sees my blind spots and calls me out on those things, when he is able to recognize that, honey, you are all truth and fire right now, and we need to have, we need to bring some love into this and some mercy. And I'm like, okay, you know, you're right. Um, you know, like that it that is why marriage is this ground zero for walking out our Christian faith by by responding through faith with works, right? Not to earn it, but to receive it, and that's the overflow. Okay. The last one. He doesn't look passive, he looks easygoing, which kind of refers back to the first one of Goes With the Flow, but it's that kind laid back, unbothered. But is he actually intentionally interacting, right? I just saw a reel today where it's it's this, it's hilarious. This guy, he's a teacher. I think he's like a teacher of like fifth grade or middle school, and he he literally gets on. Uh he starts with like, come in, come in, come in, come in, come in, sit down class, or something like that. Um, but he talked, he, he quotes the things his students have said to him that day, and they're completely unhinged, and it's just like, what? But today I saw a reel where he said, you know, are are parents actually parenting anymore, or are they just managing their children? And I was like, wow, teacher bringing the wisdom and the the discernment today. Now, I don't know if this guy's a Christian or not. I don't know. It's just funny to watch him. Um, but that is what a passive husband is, is he's just he's just a kind of like low-level manager. Like he doesn't really get involved, like, not my problem, kind of mentality. Clock in, clock out, like, no real interest in the direction of the family, right? Cares more about his comfort than anything else. Right now, what that's gonna do is a wife's gonna step in and do what she needs to do to get done, right? And that's not the dynamic that is marriage God's way. And so instead, what does a leader husband look like? It's not that he's not easygoing, he is mission going, right? He is intentionally present, he is intentionally and diligently interactive, right, through perfect grace and truth, love and truth. Now, he is an imperfect human being, so he gets it wrong sometimes, but he is quick to ask forgiveness and to offer forgiveness, right? He leads himself first by being disciplined in the word, in prayer, in solitude. He is disciplining and stewarding his body, his finances, his family. He understands that his family is an extension of him. His family reveals the state of his faith. His family is a reflection of his heart and his posture towards the Lord. His family is a reflection, a mirror that reveals how he is stewarding what the Lord has given him. Think about that. That's a little different take, huh? That's a little different take. He understands, he is responsible to present his wife as holy and blameless, washing her in the word. He understands that and he runs with that. He goes first. He is not passive. I want to read the rest of this because so when a passive husband over time, what happens to a wife is you carry more, lead more, control more, not because you want to, but because someone has to, which is what I said. And so now you get stuck in this cycle that he withdraws you over function, and both of you feel it. And this whole thing, this whole concept of a passive husband and a controlling wife, is it's not about blame. It's about awareness because we can't change or address what we're not aware of in the first place or what we refuse to acknowledge. Because once you see the pattern, then you can start to shift it. Once you see that there's a hurtful pattern in place or baggage that needs to be addressed or released or hurts or all this stuff, then you can take ownership of it and work it out with the Lord at the heart of it. Because God's design was never passivity or control, it was leadership, support, unity, and order. Right? So I'm just gonna leave this like a left hand of the reel. If this feels familiar to you, then you need to join high-level wife and high-level husband because this is where we bring discipleship into marriage. We teach you the right order, we teach you the disciplines, we teach you how to die to yourself, to take up your cross and follow Jesus and how that looks at ground zero in marriage. Of course, in the show notes or all the links to join. If that's too big, you're gonna hear it in just a second. And I will see you on the next episode.